Connecting Childless Women
Childless not by choice, but accepting of the fact
Once upon a time, I was married to a very good man: he was a good provider; kind; loving; and loved children. He had, when we were married, two teenagers: one lived with a friend, the other lived with him. I was immediately a mother, and a step-mother at that. The ex was not kind, and quite frankly, a little of her rocker, and that is not my opinion, it is quite honestly the facts. She almost ripped her son's arm off one time by throwing her car in reverse while he was trying to calm her down (trying to get her not to run her car through our house! Told she was nuts!). The boy was okay, he didn't want to go to the hospital, but his shoulder and arm were sore for weeks.
But, the problem with this little family of mine was not the ex, suprisingly enough. It was the husband. He had not told me he wanted children: I was under the impression he was older, and had his kids already, and he was satisfied. About three years into the marriage, it was suddenly made painfully clear, he was withdrawing from me because of the miscarriages. He had wanted children.
The most painful reality of this was coming home from the hospital after a D & C, wherein he commented, he had come up with names for the child. I was so shocked at his statement, which seemed so thoughtless of my feelings, but upon later contemplation, I know he was just voicing his feelings.
He never really told me much, or communicated with me, until after 4 years of marriage, and a divorce filing. Suddenly, he was all talk, couldn't shut him up, and he cried. I told him at that time, there was no hope for us if it took all this time and the severity of a divorce to get him to open up.
I have had two miscarriages since. I was on birth control for a time, then was rushed to the hospital as the BC was causing blood clots. I apparently have a rare blood disease, Factor V Leiden, which makes the blood prone to clotting. I have been off BC since, and on either Coumadin or Heprin since. Both of the latter drugs totally discourage pregnancy. So, I have no fear of getting pregnant now. With Lupus as my nemisis before, and now the Coumadin, I know there will not be children coming from me, and well,,,,I am old now too, 45.
Throughout all this, I have found ways inside myself to accept what is. During high school, I thought, "I know I could be a good mother, not sure about a good wife, but a good mother, yes." So, you see, I was ready for motherhood a long time ago. My sister had the only grandchild, but he is a mess right now.
I know that if I would have had children, I would have stayed with my first husband, even though we weren't getting along, he would have been a great father. I also know I would never have finished my Bachelor's, never thought of a Master's, or contemplated me EVER having a PhD. My life would be very different, but I can't say that I would be happier. I am pretty adjusted and content with where I am now. I am working, and always looking forward.
Hopefully, I am accepted as a CASA, then I can make a real impact of a child's life, and let the court know what is right for the child. Even though I have been unemployed for some time now, I have donated what little I can to certain favorite children's charities, figuring a tank of gas for me could feed a couple of kids.
I have accepted the fact, and realized I am who I am because I did not have children. If one was dropped on my doorstep, would I keep it? Yes, I would do everything in my power to give that child a good life. The chances of that happening are so slim and not even in the realm of possibility. But, that would be the only way I could have a child now.
As far as others accepting my childness: they accepted my not being married; not in a relationship; my ideas on religion; and all kinds of other quirky things about me a long time ago. They know I care about their kids, and try to help them in any way I can. They also know that because of the Lupus, I tend to catch every germ a child has, so they don't ask me to babysit often either. We are all good with each other. I don't mind when they send me pictures, and talk about their kids for hours, because I go on for hours about my stuff as well.
But, the problem with this little family of mine was not the ex, suprisingly enough. It was the husband. He had not told me he wanted children: I was under the impression he was older, and had his kids already, and he was satisfied. About three years into the marriage, it was suddenly made painfully clear, he was withdrawing from me because of the miscarriages. He had wanted children.
The most painful reality of this was coming home from the hospital after a D & C, wherein he commented, he had come up with names for the child. I was so shocked at his statement, which seemed so thoughtless of my feelings, but upon later contemplation, I know he was just voicing his feelings.
He never really told me much, or communicated with me, until after 4 years of marriage, and a divorce filing. Suddenly, he was all talk, couldn't shut him up, and he cried. I told him at that time, there was no hope for us if it took all this time and the severity of a divorce to get him to open up.
I have had two miscarriages since. I was on birth control for a time, then was rushed to the hospital as the BC was causing blood clots. I apparently have a rare blood disease, Factor V Leiden, which makes the blood prone to clotting. I have been off BC since, and on either Coumadin or Heprin since. Both of the latter drugs totally discourage pregnancy. So, I have no fear of getting pregnant now. With Lupus as my nemisis before, and now the Coumadin, I know there will not be children coming from me, and well,,,,I am old now too, 45.
Throughout all this, I have found ways inside myself to accept what is. During high school, I thought, "I know I could be a good mother, not sure about a good wife, but a good mother, yes." So, you see, I was ready for motherhood a long time ago. My sister had the only grandchild, but he is a mess right now.
I know that if I would have had children, I would have stayed with my first husband, even though we weren't getting along, he would have been a great father. I also know I would never have finished my Bachelor's, never thought of a Master's, or contemplated me EVER having a PhD. My life would be very different, but I can't say that I would be happier. I am pretty adjusted and content with where I am now. I am working, and always looking forward.
Hopefully, I am accepted as a CASA, then I can make a real impact of a child's life, and let the court know what is right for the child. Even though I have been unemployed for some time now, I have donated what little I can to certain favorite children's charities, figuring a tank of gas for me could feed a couple of kids.
I have accepted the fact, and realized I am who I am because I did not have children. If one was dropped on my doorstep, would I keep it? Yes, I would do everything in my power to give that child a good life. The chances of that happening are so slim and not even in the realm of possibility. But, that would be the only way I could have a child now.
As far as others accepting my childness: they accepted my not being married; not in a relationship; my ideas on religion; and all kinds of other quirky things about me a long time ago. They know I care about their kids, and try to help them in any way I can. They also know that because of the Lupus, I tend to catch every germ a child has, so they don't ask me to babysit often either. We are all good with each other. I don't mind when they send me pictures, and talk about their kids for hours, because I go on for hours about my stuff as well.
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Comment by Jeannie Johnston on June 25, 2009 at 2:59pm - Rene: This is such a touching and painful story. I am so sorry and I'm sending a virtual hug to you. I know I joke about being childless a bunch but, it does hurt at times. My husband and I can't have children and are learning to live happy and productive lives despite this. It's not easy for others who have children to always understand - which is why I thought this group was needed. Please know I'm here if you need to talk.
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